I am so motherfuckin sick of being by myself I can't take this shit no fucking more.

I can't keep doing this shit by my goddam self. Shit is all fucked up. And I can't talk to anybody or hold anybody or hit anybody or any fucking thing. All I can do is whine and cry on this fucking piece of shit website for all the fucking world to see.

I AM PISSED THE FUCK OFF BECAUSE I AM ALONE AND SHIT IS HARD THAN A MOTHERFUCKER AND I'M TIRED TIRED TIRED.

"There is little evidence to suggest that the current President Bush was ever particularly drawn to American history as a source of inspiration or insight. He tended, as a student, more toward cheerleader duties and fraternity pranks."

I miss my friends who've moved away.

My godsisters Shelley & Nikki & my godmother moved to LA way back in the 80's. Chrissie Rhodes, a friend from Santa Cruz, moved first to SoCal and then to Vegas, and I haven't heard from her in over ten years. I wish to hell I could find that girl. My friend Sia moved to Portland almost 2 years ago (no wait...really? it's been that long?). My friend Danielle moved to Baltimore a few months ago. I have other friends who've moved away from me not physically, but emotionally. And I from them. One friend I lost after we got into a fistfight. She wasn't really my friend, anyway. She was a backstabber. But I miss the fun we had over hella years knowing each other. My play sister Debb has never lived near me, except when I lived down in Santa Cruz for a while. So it's not like I'm used to having her around all the time. But I do wish I could see her and her daughters more often. My friend Marjie, another Santa Cruz pal, moved to Santa Rosa. That wasn't too awfully bad, until my car broke down. Paula moved down to SoCal too, back in 89. Now she's at the other end of the state, in the sort-of country, with rivers and trees and wild animals and snow. Her sister Jeanne, my best friend in high school, moved to Hayward several years back. It's not that far, I know, but we're busy with our lives, and she does what she's supposed to and has a good life while I just fuck up and am always miserable, so it's difficult to be around me much.

I miss the me who moved away, too.

Hey! I did update my blogback code!! WTF?

This is what I'll see, what will you see?

Yesterday's Thanksgiving menu:

Pre-cooked, sliced turkey breast, reheated with lemons, sage, rosemary, and marjoram; new potatoes roasted with red, yellow and green peppers, onions and garlic; broccoli prepared similar to the old-fave green bean casserole; Stove Top dressed up with fresh herbs and mushrooms; and for dessert, sugar-free lime Jello with apricots.

No, it's nothing at all like the Thanksgiving meals I've cooked before, but it was cheap, quick and very low fat, almost sugar-free.

It was yummy, too. But after all that drama of Weds. nite, my mom didn't even get to my house yesterday, so Jayden & I ate dinner together, just us two.

Happy Thanksgiving to you from us. Enjoy!

Updating the previous post:

My mom is borrowing her neighbor's car. I can cash my check, get some food for tomorrow, and I won't have to drag Jayden out through Deep East Oakland in the rainy dark.

I'm angry, as usual. I've always got something to be pissed off about. Right now I'm angry because I don't have a ride to pick up Jayden or get to the grocery store. I got my check today and I need to cash it. That's why I need a last-minute ride on Thanksgiving Eve. I'm angry because my dad's boss didn't get him to the Bay Area for Thanksgiving, he's stuck in Gawdawful Texas or someplace. I'm angry because since my dad isn't coming, he won't rent a car, and my mom has no ride to where they were invited, which is like 100 miles away. The people who invited her said if she caught the bus to their house, she could ride up with them, and they'd give her $$ to catch Amtrak back.

1. My mom has a broken foot
2. She would have to catch two buses to get to their house
3. She would be getting back really late
4. She would have to catch AT LEAST two buses home from the Amtrak station
5. She has a broken foot
6. She lives in a neighborhood that is very unsafe at night, ESPECIALLY for a broke-leg old white woman
7. You just don't do your mama like that on Thanksgiving!!!!!!!!

So that offer, to give her a ride, is BULLSHIT and I'm pissed off. And I'm venting here because the people who pissed me off are people that I love and I'd really rather not take my anger out on them. It doesn't matter that I think they're WRONG AS HELL for even saying that. I think NO OFFER made AT ALL would have been worlds better than that. But I'm venting here, instead of to them, because like I said I love them very much and I'd rather not speak in anger and cause (more) bad feelings and a possible rift.

I don't trip too much off of what my horoscope might say, and even less off the ones in the Tribune. But today, my horoscope made me literally LOL.

Libra: Taste for comfort and luxury will be fulfilled. Gifts received help beautify home. Proposals offered that include marriage.

How unlikely is any of that?!

Please bear with me, I'm trying to do a redesign. I know there's lots of sloppiness here and things don't always work (or look) the way they're intended. Just remember I do this all by hand, trial & error.

Disturbing.

Things that are difficult right now:

Getting Jayden up at 5:30 am.
Leaving the house at 6:00 am.
Trying to get to work by 8:00 am.
Trying to get back to Jayden's school by 5:30 pm.
Getting home at 6:30 pm.
Not having time to play with my kid.
Not having time to talk on the phone.
Not having anyone to talk to on the phone.
Not having time to clean my nasty house.
Washing our clothes in the bathroom sink.
Not having money to buy myself a coat or a pair of shoes.
Taking on extra responsibilities, trying to make permanent and working my ass off, impressing my higher-ups, only to get sick, have surgery, and come back after 5 weeks to a fucking hiring freeze.
Not having money for birthday or Christmas presents.
Inviting folx to my house for Thanksgiving (okay, so I invited 'em last year...but still) & they all make plans to have it in Sacra-fuckin-mento.
Not having a grown up to bounce things off of, discuss my worries and fears with, or hug me.
Did I mention my messy house yet? Because messy is NOT the word. I need a maid like I need a car.
My best friend is dead, my other best friend (play sister) lives 70 miles away, other good friends have moved out of state.
Jayden's school is out all next week and the only person who can keep him is my mom, who has a broken hand, a sprained ankle, no car, and a horribly dirty house.

Things that are easy right now:

Crying.
Screaming.

blogback? is it working?

"Let's Roll"?!

What a friggin arsehole.

This was the scariest speech yet. The dubya obviously stand for "Warmonger", a name bestowed upon the guy with high hopes, by his dirty-dealin crook of a daddy. Who's still runnin the show, dontcha know.

I've gotta get my earthquake kit updated to nuclear holocaust kit now.

This is a friggin nightmare.

Today is wash day. I'm washing clothes in the bathroom & taking breaks every 30 minutes or so. I'm listening to mix tapes. Some of my 80's tunes:

Dollar Bill Y'all
Shackles on My Feet
Feel The Fire
Mama Used to Say
Square Biz
Adore
Footsteps In The Dark
Inside My Love
Shake Your Pants
(This Is For) The Very Best In You
Sugar Free
Lover Turn Me On
I Do Love You
Dance Floor
Stairway To Heaven

and others.

What a nice day we had today. Jayden and I walked down to the Grand Lake theater and saw Monsters Inc. I was very pleased that I was able to walk all the way there without much pain. I'm getting better, and I'm glad. I'm getting smaller, too. I'm also pleased because I was able to fit in the seat comfortably, and it's been a long time since I could do that.

Yay me! My brother met us there and it was fun seeing the movie with him. Jayden absolutely adores his uncle Danny. I expected a great movie from Pixar, and I'm so happy I wasn't disappointed. Jayden got a little wiggly near the end, but it was nap time so I knew it was coming. For the most part he followed the movie and enjoyed it.

Afterwards we went to Mijori and had sushi and donburi. Believe it or not, it was the first time I'd ever tried sushi. I know, I know...I've been eating california rolls since whenever but never tried the sushi. It was...okay. I really liked one, the halibut, and the tuna was okay, but the other ones had wasabi in 'em and that just ruined it. My brother loves sushi so I gave him the rest of them. I ate most of the california rolls and a bowl of edamame and some miso soup and the veggies from the chicken donburi.

Then we hit the Oakland Parent Teacher Store and I finally got the calendar I'd been wanting for Jayden's room. It has plastic cling numbers and decorations, really cool. And of course, I can't be on Grand and not hit up the dollar bins outside of Walden Pond books. I found Pride by William Wharton and Elmer and the Dragon by Ruth Stiles Gannett, and a book of dog pictures for my brother. They had a Jacob Lawrence calendar I wanted to get but all my $$ was spent by then.

We got on the bus, rode it up the hill, and Jayden fell out on the couch fifteen minutes after we got home. He's still out. I put his calendar up in his room, right over the spot that will soon (I hope) hold his nice wooden bookshelf and his book collection.

Grr.

I've got an attitude, and I don't trust you. I'm tired and cranky and I don't care to listen to what you have to say. You ain't tryin to hear me anyway.

I don't have anything nice to say because I fell icky and uninspired. I'm not happy and it's hard to keep a positive outlook when you ain't happy.

Shit is getting on my nerves and all y'all need to just leave me the hell alone.

Or you could come over and play Scrabble and help me sort old clothes and have dinner and play with Jayden.

Whatever.