For months, while my computer was not working, I itched to get online and communicate, check in, get some writing out there.

Now that it's fixed, I have nothing to say.

Or, rather, I can't figure out how to say it.

DEPRESSION sucks me dry. Saps all my creativity. Zzzzzzzoop! right on out of there. My thoughts are a jumble, often barely coherent even to me. The things I obsess over make no sense, and the necessary tasks go undone. I worry how I will support my family on no income to speak of and that doesn't leave a lot of room to feel good about anything. Loneliness exascerbates it all, when there isn't even anyone to try to cheer me up. There's only so much a 3 year old can do...and the pleasure I get from being a mom isn't from anything done for my benefit, it's an extension of his joy at discovering the world and sharing his excitement in the things he does and learns. He isn't able to come to me and say something to me like "it'll be okay Mommy, cheer up".

See, that doesn't even make sense. Fuck. That's really not what I'm trying to say.

Ah. I downloaded a driver for my video card and fixed this thing. The display is better even than before the 'puter died.

It's nice to be able to mess around on this thing again, and it feels great to write on it again. My hands typing can catch the flow from my brain much better than my hands holding a pen.

Numerology. Some would say it's a crockashit. I would too, except that in my case, it's uncannily accurate. My name analysis reads:

The name of ****** has given you an appreciation for many beautiful and refined aspects of life--music and art, literature, drama--and the outdoors, where you find much peace and relaxation, but it creates a far too sensitive nature. You sense and feel much that you do not understand, and sometimes you are alarmed at your thoughts and wonder about their origin. You rarely experience the tranquility that comes with stability of thinking or emotional control. At times, you are very inspired, desiring to be with people and to entertain others as the "life of the party," while at other times you are aloof and choose to remove yourself entirely from association. You crave understanding and affection but your intensity of desire and your self-consciousness prevent you from finding the happiness you desire. You have suffered many disappointments and misunderstandings because of your inability to express your inner thoughts. You could experience sensitivity in the heart, lungs, or bronchial organs, causing tuberculosis, asthma, or depletion of your energies.

This describes only a part of my personality, but it's not vague or anything. Creepy.

What's yours?

Hello there, blogland! It's Starmama, back from 'puter limbo, and aintcha glad to see me?

I've finally gotten my PC up and running, with some restore disks (yes, I did it all the legit way, I didn't resort to piracy) and a bit of fadangling. Problem is, now I can't get 256 or millions of colors on my monitor - the only option is 16 colors. I don't think I have to tell any of y'all how horrible that is. I can barely see any web pages at all.

If anyone knows of any drivers or patches or something I can download to fix this, or some other tweaking I can do besides going into settings, please let me know.

I'll be updating more frequently now, so all y'all who've missed the glimpses into my boring life, fear not! I have returned!

I wish I had some wonderful news to share, since I'm online for a few minutes, but ain't nothin happening, really. Jayden is growing, leaping and bounding. He's acquiring new skills, and expanding his vocabulary, on a daily basis. I'm not having much luck with the job hunt; the one I tested for last month, and the other two I interviewed for, didn't come through. I'm going to apply for something outside my field, next week, so if there's anyone out there who still checks in here, please send some positive vibes towards Oakland for me, 'kay? I'm off to read some blogs, which I haven't done in months and months.