Booty and bus trips!

I'm officially in the unemployed world. Well, about to be, at any rate.

I had a conference call with the CIO and the HR director. An announcement was made yesterday at the job; the VP decided everyone in IT under the level of manager is expendable. They are going to "outsource" basically the whole IT dept. 35 of us are being let go.

The good news is, I hate my job (not the company, not until this anyway). I've had extreme anxiety regarding returning to this job. They basically took care of all that for me.

And, I get a severance package (one month's salary) and don't ever have to go back (I've been gone since July). The other folx have to stay two months "helping with the transition" (yeah right like anyone's gonna stay and train their replacements? WHAT?).

I could be upset but, I live in Oakland. The Bay Area might be ridiculously overpriced and squeezing poor people out, but there're jobs everywhere you look. I got cheap rent and a good neighborhood, I could take a $5 paycut and STILL pay my bills.

I knew I'd be needing a job soon, but hey I still had a job. Now, it's much more urgent so I guess I'll be getting up off my ample ass and getting a j.o.b.

So, Jayden's napping on the couch. I'm bout to dig my box out the closet and get keyed. Ciao.

This computer is so slow. Takes hours to get anything done. I'd like to blog a whole buncha stuff but I've got to get on the bus and go get my baby. I miss him like mad. Didn't get the house as done as I wanted but at least I've got the toxic chemical part out of the way. You know, wiping down counters & cabinets & knobs with disinfectant, all the stuff he normally touches. I also had to use pesticide in some places to kill ants. Everything is all rinsed & the cleaner containers are all far, far out of his reach. The rest of the work can be done around Jayden's schedule...

I am slated to go back to work in about a month. I'm scared to death because I don't know if I can do the work anymore. I don't know how I'm going to get there, either. I don't see how my car will be fixed by then. And it's a fuckin 4 hour trip each way on public transportation.

*sigh*

I've been making this list for about a week, I got the idea from an email sent to me by a friend. Thought it would be something different to throw on the page, but then I saw that Sunshine has one on her page. Yup, nothing new under the sun, hee hee.

Jayden's at my mom's, he's gonna be there a few days. I've got to get this house clean and that'll involve using toxic chemicals. So, I'm kidless until Wednesday. Wish I had a man to invite over.

Nothing new under the sun

In 1986 I was eighteen and living with my boyfriend in a little apartment. In our building lived a couple of hoes and some kids. My man knew their pimp. The pimp had a "square" wife and some kids in Alameda. The hoes that lived in our building called each other "wife-in-law" when they were getting along, and when they were funkin they'd fight all night long. I don't know if their pimp ever beat them, but they used to beat each other down.

I'll call these hoes "Tina" and "Kim". Tina was about 5'6" but she wore 3 or 4 inch heels every day I ever saw her. She had golden-brown skin and was the first black woman I ever saw wear blue contact lenses. She was my age - in fact we knew some of the same people, but she'd been hoeing since she was 15.

Kim was dark skinned and damn near 6', but still wore spike heels. She used to wear sneakers too, though; when she wasn't wearing her ho skirts or shorts she was in track suits. Kim wore wigs whenever she left the house. She had boxes stacked up in their apartment, boxes and boxes of wigs in all colors and styles. She had fingernails so long they curved toward her hands, and one of her thumbs grew in a spiral. Years later, when I first saw Coko of SWV I thought of Kim. That ho never did do any housework, that was one of the things she used to fight with Tina about. Tina broke one of Kim's nails once and you would've thought Kim was trying to kill her.

Tina and Kim would come over and bring me clothes & shoes & sell me jewelry. I would babysit Kim's two kids, a fast ass little girl and a mannish little boy. I cringe when I think of what those kids are doing these days.

Tina used to invite me over after she went shopping, or boosting, which she did more often than pay. She would parade outfits in front of me and I'd give her my opinion on her different looks.

Her favorite adjective was "hoelicious". She would say "I'm not hoeish, I'm hoelicious." An outfit wasn't good enough for the streets or a "date" unless it was "hoelicious".

Imagine my delight in seeing the debate over the use of the term, right here in blogland. It brought back some crazy memories. Really though.

Samantha Elizabeth Tirey-Guy
2/15/67 ~ 6/30/99

That's my baby with his godmama, Samantha. My ace boon since 1981. Miss you girl. Your babies miss you, and your mama misses you. It's not fair that you're gone, I miss you constantly. Jojo is so sad, Kenisha is confused, Xavier is too. They're gonna be fine, because your mama will always be TCB. But it's just so fucked up, you 'posed to be here with them, with us. Some folx say "it's a reason for everything, blah blah blah"...FUCK THAT your purpose was to be a mama to your kids, you were the best damn mother and friend and person and you were just torn from the world, girl, it's just wrong that you ain't here. Damn.

I didn't have much $$, so I bought generic diapers. The $5.99 Longs brand. Me & my baby woke up this morning in pee. And damn me if this ain't the last time that happens. I will beg for Luvs money before I buy that shit again.

Cutty (my '93 Olds Cutlass Supreme, seen better days) is paid off. But he's also falling apart. Dammit. I got hook-up on a good mechanic, but damn. I was hit by some chick in a Cherokee in late June and it really knocked his steering around. The wheel is so twisted I can hardly park, 'cause I can't figure out which way the tires are turned. I've been catching bus and BART whenever I can. If I have to drive, I have to put power steering fluid in the car before each trip, and it leaks all out by the time I get to where I'm going. And I'm having a bad enough time wrestling with my conscience already behind just driving a fuel-burning vehicle. Now I'm leaking toxins and poisoning the ground! Fuck.

And my therapist canceled on me this week. Blah blah blah.

Reading this made my day.

Hey Elisabeth, that was Ice Cube, not Dr Dre. But I'm glad you had such a good day!

I see ya too (flippin a peace sign to Sojourner)!

Be proud of me. I can now drink fat-free milk - and enjoy it.

I've redesigned my blog page. Might not look like much, but I'm an amateur's amateur. Does anyone notice the new look? Like it? Hate it? Let me know! I'm starved for attention!

Took my baby to the zoo yesterday. We met some other Bay Area mamas from Moms Online there. One of the mamas, Cindi, I knew from years back when we both worked at the Oakland Army Base. We were setting up an outing to Children's Fairyland, and I noticed that her email address was a not-so-common Chinese name. I emailed her and asked, "are you Cindi ____ who used to work at the army base?" and I got a reply back, "Oh my god! I know you!" It was way funny. She lives here in Oakland and has the most adorable, petite but with a big personality, 18 month old girl. The other mama lives in Livermore, she has 4 awesome kids. She's the kind of mama Samantha was, she reminds me of her in many ways. The kids had a great time at the zoo, even though it was hot and us mamas got tired really quickly. We checked out the meerkats, lions, the African veldt animals (Jayden really dug the zebras), the sun bears and the childrens zoo. We rode the train, and considering Jayden's current fascination with trains (thanks to a Thomas the Tank Engine video given him by my friend Michelle & her son Emiliano), that train ride was a BIG DEAL. He didn't want to ride any of the other kiddie rides, but I made him get in one of the little cars with the pull-string bell (that same ride, those same cars, were there in the 70's when I was little!). He was stressing at first, but once the ride started he got into it and after a minute he was grinning and waving "hi mama!" when he passed me by. Later he wanted to ride the carousel. He didn't want to sit on a horse, but on the bench. I sat with him, and I'm glad I did, 'cause lil' dude was trying to run around the carousel. I had to use the mama death-grip on his arm to keep him sitting down! Then after that ride we left, and you can bet Jayden was knocked out before we hit the freeway (and 580 is just outside the zoo parking lot). We went to Danny & Mala's house, they got back from their honeymoon Sunday nite. They were showing off their wedding gifts, they got some really cool stuff. And even though they were on their honeymoon and were SUPPOSED to be thinking ONLY of themselves, they still got me & mommy some souvenirs - little candles in terra cotta pots with painted designs on them. Pretty cool.

Online tarot readings at Suffering Is Hip. I asked a question about my career and got the X of Money. Sounded like something good, but DANG someone's out to get me! Eek! Then I asked a question about sex (will I get some ever again?) and got the III of Notes. That one's got me confused. Does it mean I'm always gonna be celibate? Or after suffering dickless for so long, I'm finally gonna get me some? Hmmm...

Jayden 7/22/00
2 years old

I just love lookin' at my lil' man. I might be biased, but ain't he just fine?

peek-a-boo!

Saturday night.
Yum, Trolli Tropic-O's. Aaaaaah, Hooper's Hooch Lemon Beer...Eeek, a 2 1/2 year old who'll prolly be up until 1 am. Ah well. At least I got a buzz on while he was napping, and his screeches and squeals are much more easily tolerated now...bye y'all, it's time to play with the Blue's Clues playhouse...

Silver ,so am I. Misty, I have no illusions that you actually read my blog, but I hope you did get my email. I've had candles lit for you for weeks and Jayden and I pray for your & your daughter's safety & serenity every night.

What I have to go through to get this slow ass 'puter up & running:

*turn on monitor
*turn on computer
*wait until system starts coming up
*hit F8 for safe mode
*wait until the safe mode message box comes up
*click on OK
*go to Start Menu
*choose Settings
*click on Display
*choose Settings
*click on Apply
*click on OK in message box asking if I want to restart my 'puter
*wait a long ass time for the 'puter to restart
*start all over if the display is fucked up

See, if I don't do all that, my display is totally wacked. It, like, spins, or something. I can't see a thing but the hella distorted display, like, spinning. If it starts doing it after I've started it in safe mode, I can sometimes turn the monitor off & then on a buncha times but that's not guaranteed to work. It all sux for real, but I guess it's what I got to deal with with a free, old, hand-me-down computer...

In search of black bloggers...

I read my first blog very recently, in June. I was reworking Jayden's Page, and I was checking out some of the sites I'd gotten graphics from way back in 1998 when I first put his page together. I went to Silver's website and instead of her linkware graphics, I found something called bite this. I was intrigued, read her blog and all the archives I could find, and started to follow the links on her page. I'd uncovered a world I'd never heard of. In fact it wasn't until maybe the sixth weblog I read that I realized what a "blog" was. And I was utterly, irrevokably hooked.

One of the first thoughts I had about this whole blogging thang was, where are the black folx?! I mean, I know there's a digital divide and all that - it's glaringly evident to me, on a daily basis, dealing with the people in my life - but, still. A good number of my sista frenz are online and we email each other back & forth like maniacs all day (well, until folx start getting off work, anyway). And I knew there were plenny black folx out there with digital skillz, considering the number of PowerPoint & HTML documents I'd get attached to my various emails that were obviously, and couldn't possibly not have been, made by black people. And yet, most of the blogs I came across in those first few days seemed to be by white, teenaged, redheaded girls. Or anime-obsessed teenaged boys. I found some really great weblogs that I put up linx to, but it wasn't until maybe the third day that I discovered Misty. She's smart, funny, cute, and damn talented. I'm glad you checked back in with us, girl, even if for just that lil' hot second. That same day I found Elisabeth. I just know anyone who reads any blogs at all has seen babygirl's stuff. I'm sprung on Miss E, 'cause she's cute and sexy and hella smart, has mad digital skillz, is expressive and eloquent, a loving mama, young and confident and having fun, and I can live vicariously through her adventures...she's definitely blessed. Then there's Rachel, wise and lovely, who writes gorgeously; Faith, having fun with her merengue-dancin self; Sojourner and Cecily, wise women with a knack for getting to a point; and Gina, brutally honest in spite of her warning that "it's all bull...". I doubt any of y'all (who've actually got lives) read my pitiful lil' blog, but if y'all ever do see this, thank you thank you thank you for being out there. No I'm not black, but the reality of my world is and always has been populated with black folx; and with y'all on the 'net I'm so much more comfortable here...

In my search I also came across Illustriouz. I have no idea who these chix are, if they're black or latina or white or asian, but damn they're having fun. Reminds of my wild, insane dayz of the 80's and early 90's. I'm hoping they're at least 18...

Yes, it's been a while. I'd thought, quite naively, that being on medical leave from work would give me lots of time to get online and update my blog, my web pages, hang out on hipMama and Moms Online, and play Populous. Ha! Not with my nutty lil' busy 2 1/2 year old. And when I am online, I've got to deal with this old-ass 'puter and a free ISP (not that I'm complaining about it...).

So, my brother got married yesterday. It was the best wedding I've ever been to. Even better than Annie's wedding - and if you've ever been to a Chinese wedding, you know that means something - 'cause Chinese folx THO' DOWN at weddings. The food alone is THA BOMB, and the pageantry is gorgeous...
anyway, Danny and my new SIL Mala should be maxin' in Cancun right now, thanks to Danny's best friend (and best man), Patrick, and his wife Karen. I hope their honeymoon is perfect, because their wedding was damn near. It was at the UC Berkeley Faculty Club, right in the middle of the Berkeley campus. It was outside in the glade...Mala's favorite color is purple (the girl has excellent taste all around), her flowers were mostly lavender roses. Her bridesmaids and maid of honor wore lavender satin gowns. Danny and his groomsmen wore black suits, white shirts, and purple satin ties, just a bit darker than the bridesmaids' dresses. Mala's gown was white satin with an embroidered bodice; her mama made it, and it was gorgeous. She wore a tiara and a veil in her hair, which was piled up on her head with ringlets cascading down. Her bridesmaids strutted down the aisle to Natalie Coles' Our Love, and then Mala walked down the aisle to the traditional wedding march, accompanied by her mama and her older brother, Kevin. Her dad, who's not well and has low energy, rose from his seat in the front row and stood at the arch with Mala to "give her away". Mala's younger brother, Monti, read a piece from Corinthians that started some folx to crying early. The minister, a short, adorable, energetic lady named Lorissa, said some beautiful words, and then Mala read some vows she'd written. Of course, Jayden picked this time to start whining about his bunny, little knucklehead. Danny, in his usual understated way, didn't have anything special prepared; to paraphrase, what he said was "from his heart" and it was so sweet when he said "I'm yours". I was videotaping the wedding and I got some good closeups of their kiss :)

The song at the recessional was Got To Get You Into My Life by Earth, Wind and Fire. While the wedding party (and us fambly members) were taking the portraits, the guests milled around with drinks and hors d'oeurves. Jayden ran around as much as he was able to get away with. The DJ played some Frank Sinatra, Louis Armstrong, Sarah Vaughn, Anita Baker; all the music was perfect, and all of it picked by Mala.

After the portraits, we moved into the hall and started the reception. After the best man and maid of honor said their toasts, Mala got up to say a few words of thanks. Of course, being Mala, she had to say "Whasssuuuup" and get everyone laughing.
They had great food, the music was the bomb (they'd made sure the DJ didn't play no Chicken Dance or Electric Slide, but whenever you get some black folx at a wedding you're gonna be Sliding to at least one dance, anyway!), the wait staff was cool, the cake was beautiful, everyone enjoyed themselves, Jayden was fussy and silly but everyone loved him anyway, Danny and Mala are SO in love, Mommy and Daddy danced to Al Green, my "godmother" Marva and "godsister" Shelley came up from LA, my cousin Amy and her husband Chris came up from Dana Point (armed with a bag o' stuff for Jayden, aw thanx y'all), Mala's fambly and frenz came from Michigan, Australia, LA, DC, and lots of other places.

I caught the bouquet! And you know I wasn't trying to do that! When she threw the bouquet I just reached my hand up, 'cause the photographer was getting pictures, and Amy was taping it, so I just put my hand out there for show...but the bouquet hit my hand, one of the roses came off in my hand, and it fell to the floor. No one else was picking it up so I did, it was a trip. I told all the other chix "If I'm next then y'all gon' be waiting a LONG time to get married..."

When the reception was winding down and we were all getting ready to go or clean up, the professional folx - DJ, photgrapher, caterers - were talking about how great a time they had had. I'd say that's definitely a compliment coming from people who go to umpteen weddings.

Yes, I cried. I cried when Mala was reading her vows; I cried because my little brother was marrying his soulmate and because it was all so beautiful. My little brother - the skinny little kid I used to beat unmercifully just because I felt like it...the kid I could make believe all sorts of outlandish lies...the bratty little brother whose timing was so perfect he always hit me so that I'd hit him back when Mommy was looking and I'D be the one to get busted... I love him so much and I'm so very happy and proud of him. And Mala - she's already been my friend and SIL in spirit for more than two years, she's beautiful and funny and generous and wise and ambitious and I'm lucky to be able to claim her as part of my family.