This is Pride Weekend and driving into The City over the Bay Bridge, looking towards Twin Peaks, there's a huge pink triangle painted on the hillside. How cool is that? I love living here. Although I rarely get the chance to go, I dig the fact that First Unitarian Church of Oakland has a service honoring Pride Weekend every year. Last year the theme was gay families and it was moving, inspiring, and gave me hope for my son's future. While I'm very, very heterosexual, and have no idea yet whether or not my son is, I want him to accept gay families as normal as any other family. I want him to know nothing but tolerance, for homophobia and other hates to be aberrent, shocking behaviors for him.

I'm stepping down off my soapbox, now...

Well, I've taken Jayden with me to work Friday, Saturday and today. He's drawn all over the cubicle and the carpet, gotten food everywhere, and messed with keyboards and phones and whatever else he can get his hands on. Yesterday I stacked Friday jobs instead of Saturday jobs and it was a big mess. My supervisor had to come in from his vacation and run the Saturday jobs so the weekend processing could be done. I'm pretty sure this is the mistake that will get me fired. I mean, it says right on the letter I got last month, that was a final warning and the next error will result in my termination. So I suppose I'll be blogging from the computer in the library soon, once I'm homeless and living in the street with my baby and my dog begging for spare change. I won't even have the car to live in, they'll be repoing that soon, I'm sure.

I had even more drama yesterday. Let's just say that the one grownup person I deal with every day is the least supportive when I'm upset. And yesterday I was told by that person that she would not babysit Jayden, she did not want to see me until the 1st, because she overdrew her account helping me out on Tuesday. Since yesterday was my payday she demanded that I deposit money in her account to bring it out of the hole. But, my entire paycheck was eaten up by all the checks I'd written against it and I'm overdrawn again, on payday. There is no $$ for gas, toll, food, anything at all, for two more weeks. She said she didn't care how I got it, I better give her the money to bring her account out of the hole. I told her there was nowhere for me to get any money, and she said well don't come over here until the first. I said "well can I bring Jayden so I can go to work? And get the DMV paperwork I left there?" She said no, she's not watching Jayden if she doesn't get any money from me, and she's gonna burn my DMV papers. I haven't even brought up the $130 I gave her so her dog could get stitches last month. I didn't ask for it back, partly because I haven't paid her for babysitting for a while, but she also knows that since I can't claim her on my flex account I don't have the $$ for childcare.

This person is my mom . She is clinically depressed HERSELF, so much so that she is on permanent disability (SSI) for it. She knows EXACTLY what it's like to have the feelings I'm having. Her thing is that she doesn't want other people to steal her "woe is me" thunder. That may be inaccurate, or oversimplifying, but that's how it seems to me. When she lived with me, and Jayden was in the hospital, I couldn't complain about how hard it was for me to deal with, without her having some sort of emotional episode to get the focus back on her. I swear that's what it is. She calls me horrid names, accuses me of being a selfish or evil person (she calls me both whenever she's mad at me) and she looks at me with the most hateful eyes, it truly scares me. And she brings up stuff I've done or said in the past, which bothers me because she's been so cruel to me in the past and she remembers things incorrectly. She gets really childish sometimes and it hurts me when she acts like that. For instance, she's good for hanging up on me (or my brother) in a heartbeat whenever we say something she doesn't want to hear. There's nothing I hate more than someone hanging up on me. It's immature and it never solves a conflict, it just says "I don't care what you have to say and I refuse to discuss things like an adult". The thing is that when we get along I love it, and she's so good with Jayden, but it's like a spiteful spouse, when she's mad at me she screams & cusses in front of him and when I try to get her to stop or if I say "don't talk to me like that in front of my son" she cusses or screams more or gives me that "I will kill you" look. I swear that look scares the shit out of me.

There's more Miss Muffy at Bullseye Art. I'm diggin The Muff Mob heavily, definitely feenin for more episodes...

Horrible, horrible, my life is horrible. I can't even write about how bad it is right now. So I went and got me an Amazon.com wish list. I know I'll get nothing on it, but just picking out stuff I wish I had was mildly therapeutic.

I lost my marbles yesterday at work and called the mental health agency that deals with my insurance. They told me to go by Alta Bates today for a psychiatric evaluation. Well by the time I got to Mommy’s house after work the check gages light was on because I was below the red line on the fuel gage. I don’t know how I got us home from there. I went through my car and my house and all the pockets I could find in the hamper & the closet and came up with $1.42. Which won’t even buy one gallon of gas. It also won’t get me a transfer on the bus. Don’t ask me how I expect to get to work tomorrow. It’s my day off, but I obviously can’t make it to Alta Bates, so I stayed at home today. And anyway, I’m at my worst when I’m away from Jayden, when I have to go to work and deal with all the bullshit there. It’s bad at home, but if I stop stressin and read my baby a book or concentrate on taking care of his needs it gets a little bit better. I still can’t clean up though. Depression sucks. It sucks that I know what I have to do but I can’t get it done. It sucks that I plan a day out and nothing goes the way I intended. It sucks that when that happens it derails me so badly I end up a basket case, accomplishing not a damn thing. And the next person who tells me to “just do it” or that “you’ll do it if you really want it” will have to run ‘cause I will try to strangle their ass. At least I figured out how to get my computer working again. And, I’ll have a phone on by tomorrow, hopefully, thanks to Daddy and some creative prevarication. So I’ll be able to get on the ‘net from home and do my blogging when Jayden’s asleep, instead of trying to squeeze in a few minutes during my break. I’ll also be able to update my web pages on a more regular basis, thank goodness. Although I must admit, that T1 line does spoil me. At home I’ve got, needless to say, a free dial-up ISP. Hey, silver linings there too: there are dozens of dial-up numbers in my area, being damn near Silicon Valley and thangs, plus I get on after midnite when most normal folx are asleep. And, it’s FREE. And this hand me down ‘puter was free, too. I ain’t got much but I can get online, dammit. Ah well, gotta count them blessings wherever I can find ‘em.

Well, this is going to be a long insufferably depressing post. If you have no patience for pathetic losers and the whining that invariably comes from them, you'd best move on. 'Cause ain't no sunshine today...

Yesterday on my way to work I was pulled over by a cop who said I didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign. This was a lie - I rocked back and everything. Well, since I am a total loser and had an expired license, an expired registration, and no insurance, they made me & my baby get out the car and walk and they towed it. I wrote rubber checks all over town trying to get my car back and never made it to work. And when I finally got my car at 7 pm (it all happened at 11:20 am), someone had stolen my money. Only $25, but it was all the money I had, and my bank account is overdrawn. My mother borrowed her landlord's car and her neighbor's baby's carseat to take me to all these places, and she yelled at me and cussed at me and glared at me whenever I would cry or get upset. And she made a big show out of screaming at me and turning up the radio because I didn't want to listen to Dr Laura (she doesn't like Dr Laura either; she was doing one of her power trip thangs).
Today when I dropped Jayden off at her house I used her phone to make a couple calls, to try (futilely, I'm sure) to get my $25 back. I was upset and crying and she yelled at me and gave me the evil eye and yelled more when I asked her not to yell. She's acting exactly like she did when she lived in my house, turning the focus to her and what she's going through and trying to make me feel like I'm evil and dogging her out. She told me she will demand that I pay her back the $107 she gave the tow yard (they don't take checks) and when I tried to tell her that I won't see a penny of my paycheck she just yelled at me some more. There is a $575 check to my landlady, a $240 check to DMV, and a $150 check to the OPD. My payday is Friday, but it will be $900 and I'm already overdrawn $50. And the bank charges $30 for each overdraft. I won't see any money, by the time the deposit is made it will be taken right away. I don't have gas, bridge toll, food money. The laundry isn't done, I have doctor appointments that I need copays for, the PG&E is due. Let's not even talk about my car note that didn't get paid in May. And I need a smog check, and insurance, and the temporary registration I got yesterday expires on the 30th. Yes, I owe my mom $$ for babysitting, but I can't claim her on my flex account or her SSI payment will be reduced. So I have the same net amount in my paycheck but no way to pay for childcare. And last month when her dog Patch got bitten by a dog and needed stitches I didn't hesitate to pay $130 for it out of the money for my car note. But I haven't said a word about it. She went on and on yesterday about me preparing for emergencies and to stop making everything into a crisis. It's not me that makes the damn crises. And how am I supposed to prepare? What am I supposed to prepare with?!

I love it when I don't have to work the weekend. Unfortunately, since my home 'puter is busted right now, that also means I can't get online. But oh well, I had a ball hanging out with Jayden. Saturday we went to see Blue's Clues Live. I had a great time, and Jayden was completely enthralled. He'd never been in a theater before, for a movie or anything. It was adorable - he sang the songs and did the little hand motions that go with 'em. He shouted out "a coo! a coo!" when the clues lit up on the stage. I was really impressed with the part where Steve and Blue "skiddoo" to outer space and sing The Planet Song. Jayden's version goes like this: "hot too, hot too, hot tooooooo". Sunday we just sat around the house and read books, and watched Disney videos. I'm still waiting for Make Mine Music to come in the mail. Jayden's videos are about the extent of my entertainment budget - I spent $65 on Blue's Clues tickets, which was worth it, but we don't have a phone right now, do we? LOL I've gotta just say it - OH WELL! Who do I have to talk to anyway? I'd rather have an afternoon of fun with my kid. And yes, I do believe that my priorities are ABSOLUTELY in order, tee hee...

Spent a good part of the weekend watching the US Open. My son is really into golf. When Brandy drops the tennis ball, he's likely to grab anything that somewhat resembles a golf club - a wooden spoon, a paper-towel roll, a pencil, whatever - and say "Pay gopp!" as he swings at the ball. He's got plastic clubs at my mom's and my brother's gonna take him to the golf course as soon as he's big enough for the junior size clubs.
It was so cute to see Jayden into the tournament. Every time someone would take a swing he'd yell "ooh he hit ball!" and when Tiger was up he'd say "Ty Woots, Ty Woots!". I can almost follow what the commentators say now, although I still don't really get the scoring. But I now know the difference between a birdie and a bogey.

My brother is getting married. I got the invitation yesterday. I'm SO excited! I'll prolly never get married so this is like the only chance we'll get for a family wedding. And I just love his fiancee to pieces - I've been calling her sister-in-law forever. They are such a cute couple!

Whoo hoo! I'm getting off early today! {doing celebratory cabbage patch}
Unfortunately, that means I'm not going to be able to blog all weekend unless I go somewhere and pay to get online. Ack! Most of the folx I know don't have computers so I don't have somewhere I can show up and say "hey whassup? Lemme use your 'puter for a hot minute"...

This is why I stay out of the sun these days....ICK!

Whoo hoo! I'm in a webring! I'm now a poser! Well, okay, I guess I was already a poser, but now everyone can learn just how much posing I'm really doing...thanks Cat...

I jinxed my daddy.
See, he's a cross-country truck driver, and he only gets to the Bay Area maybe every 6 weeks or so. And usually it's just for a couple days. Well I was supposed to get a half day yesterday, but my coworker called in sick so I had to work my normal shift - 1pm to 10pm. I was kind of upset 'cause I was gonna miss my daddy. But it turns out that he's got a blood infection in his leg and he's all doped up and recuperating at my lil' bro's house in Berkeley until Saturday. And I know it's my fault, 'cause I was whining about "I wish I could see my daddy".

Sorry Pops!

We're having a heatwave.
In the San Francisco Bay Area we are NOT used to this kind of weather. We used to get at the most several days over 90 a year, but usually they were kinda spaced out. So far this year we've had two days-long heatwaves. At least we don't get the humidity like the Midwest & East Coast. But for some spoiled ass NoCal folx this is plenty bad enough. Yech.

Had a therapy appointment today. Got there, and the therapist told me she needed to go to the doctor's 'cause she'd gotten something in her eye, she'd have to cut it short. Since I have a $25 copay I asked if we could schedule it for another day. So, I had some time on my hands...went to Subway for lunch and got a cute Little Bill toy for Jayden. There was a Supercuts next door so I got a hair cut. Just chopped all my hair off. Well, to my shoulders anyway. But that was 6 or 7 inches off. Feels nice...

This is HELLA funny!

Okay, so I have a major problem with making fun at the expense of those less fortunate than I. Of course, there aren't many less fortunate than I...but seriously, I know what it's like to be broke and poor and living in crappy places and doing whatever you can to keep your home together. And yet I STILL think this is funny. And while I'm at it let me give props to my hero, Gwen. I love her 'cause she's smart and oh, so funny.

I hate my job. I'm here at work while my mom is taking Jayden to the NICU reunion picnic at Children's. I'm pissed because I have to be here. I hate my job.

Okay, so I had my little crying jag. I sort of feel better. It's rough not having any grownups to talk to. Did I mention I don't have a telephone? Check out how bad I'm addicted to the internet: my 'puter is broken and I don't have the $$ to fix it. So, I'm not worried about not having a phone, since I can't get online anyway. Is that SAD or is it not? Geesh...

I've got to find a way to make this daggone blog LOOK like something! Arrgh! I know, I know, patience...

I just hate it when the taste of cilantro dominates something I'm eating. Take, for instance, the torta I got from the Hegenberger taco truck tonight. They make excellent tortas. But tonight they mixed big pieces of cilantro in with the meat and picking all the cilantro out of the meat just took the fun out of the sandwich.

Cilantro is definitely overrated.

Second post. Now, I'm going to be working on getting the right look for this thang, so bear with me while I change it a gazillion times. It looks nowhere near as cool as the blogs I've seen. In fact, it looks downright amateurish. But I'll end up with something cool, eventually. I hope...

This is the very first post to my very first blog. I'm not even sure I have a clue as to what the HELL I'm doing - or even what I want to do - but I admire a lot of bloggers and want to jump on the bandwagon. Here we go...