It's been so very difficult, lately, for me to journal about anything at all. Even though it generally requires much less effort, it's been just as hard for me to blog. I'm not sure why. I know that depression plays a big part in it; one of the first things affected by the disease was my creative flow. I'd still been able to journal, though, for a long time. But over the past year and a half, as I've gotten worse, even the simple act of finding words to describe my feelings and the events in my life has been so hard for me. Blogging saves me, some days. I can start off with a lil' something trivial to blog about, and find myself writing something that's damn near a journal entry. There's hope for me yet...and I've got to cling to that hope. If I can't write, I can't be me. And I haven't been me for such a long time.

I've made a decision to make a change. A very big, very frightening change, that will alter the course of my life. Of course, my life being what it is lately, that can only be a good thing. But I'm frightened, because there will have to be quite a few adjustments made. But this choice will be great, and could be the best thing of all, for me and my son. Any of y'all reading this, please, say a prayer, light a candle, chant for me...for strength, courage, and the ability to believe in myself.

I'll let y'all know what's it's all about soon.

WOW! Have you been to Fiona's page lately? It's gorgeous. I wish I could do that!

Elise is a dollbaby! She fixed my pix & they're now up on the photos page. Thanks again Elise!

I need help! Could someone with a photo editor PLEASE email me if you're willing & able to resize & rotate six photos for me? Please?

<whine>
I had the suckiest birthday. It was like any other boring, yucky day. Nothing special happened, nothing even remotely cool happened. Got two phonecalls with greetings, e-cards from a couple family members, and a card from the president of my savings bank. I didn't see not one person I knew yesterday, except for Jayden. I felt really, really lonely. I'm used to feeling that way these days, but sheesh it was my birthday.
</whine>

Jayden and I did go downtown to Sears and get pictures taken, my one birthday tradition. While we were there I bought jayden a toddler bed. He's not too thrilled with the idea of sleeping by himself, but he'll come around.

Jayden lost his bunny and his binky sometime Thursday evening. He has gone three days without them. He hasn't even mentioned the bunny since Friday. What a big boy! And for all of y'all who said he'd have a pacifier in his face when he was 3, PHHHHPPPPPHHHHPPP!

He's doing really well with the changes, other than this compulsive touching around his mouth & nose. It drives me crazy, and made it really difficult to get good pix yesterday. And I spend extra time at night singing & reading to him, but that's something I look forward to anyway.

Muahahahaha!

Just once I would like to see a movie, TV show, or commercial in which a fat chick gets a cute guy. Not a fat cute guy, but the kind of cute guy that's always shown running away from the fat chick. Fat guys get supermodel type chicks on TV all the time. Geeky guys get supermodel chicks. Slacker guys get supermodel chicks. Fat chicks? They get guys who see 'em and scream, or run away...or at best, they get to be platonic friends with the cute guy, who usually ends up with the fat chick's supermodel friend. I suppose the same case could be made for geeky, nerdy looking chicks too, it's just the fat chicks that I identify with. And why is it that women can be successful in the entertainment industry if they've got an ugly (or painfully plain) face and a slender, or even skinny, body, but even if they're pretty, big chicks usually ain't got a chance? 'Tain't fair a'tall.

George and his wife shop at the same grocery store as Jayden & I. Except that while Cutty is sittin in the carport waiting to be fixed, I shop at Webvan.

Blue's Big Musical Movie is every bit as adorable as I'd thought it might be. I especially love the incomparable Ray Charles as "G Clef". And of course, I adore Steve. I wonder if he likes fat chicks?...

No matter how bad I'm feeling, Gershwin's Rhapsody In Blue can make it all go away.

Remember Wacky Packages?

Agh! FTP errors!

Hey Elise, we were there!

I intend to have an art car one day, too. There are three car artists in our neighborhood - one of the guys makes creations for other people, and he's got a coupla cars he drives around. The other two are folx whose art cars are their everyday rides. And there are many more in the Bay Area - like the article said, this is ground zero.

Jayden digs art cars - we can easily spend 30 minutes ogling the various tidbits epoxied to some of the cars. They're so much fun. And just think - nobody'd ever be dumb enough to try to carjack one!

This may be late, considering how often Stuy changes the layout, but I adore ElectricBiscuit's latest look. Those pastels are awfully pretty, it's like aromatherapy for the eyes.

Did you catch De La Soul on Fresh Air today?

My birthday is in 10, almost 9 days. Yes, I am soliciting birthday wishes. Because I have absolutely nothing to do on my birthday. No one is taking me out, no one has plans to come over, I don't even have anyone to call for some birthday dick. The one thing I know I'll be doing is going to Sears and getting the annual Mama's birthday portraits done with my son. No matter how bad I look these days, I can't quit my damn near twenty-year tradition of taking flix on my b-day. Of course, nowadays I take one picture with my son and get five of him by himself, but hey, it's still a tradition. So, I'ma keep doing my damnedest to pimp myself some birthday greetings online. Pay attention! pwetty pweese?

I was not impressed with last night's debate. I thought both candidates were a bit too civil towards each other. Bush was polished, he only made one slip that I'm aware of, but I still think the man's a dolt. So you're the governor of the second largest state in the union; so you're used to working with Republicans and Democrats. You didn't have to remind us of that every three minutes. And as for Gore - what's with this "real people example" thing? Once, it's okay, I guess. But more than that, and it becomes a device. Not impressive. By the way, today on NPR (was it All Things Considered?) there was a funny piece that had some famous speeches - Shakespeare's Julius Caesar, Lincoln's Gettysburg address - performed by actors, with that same "in the audience today sits so-and-so, who lost his job 'cause blah-blah-blah" thrown in. Very funny.

I'm still casting my vote with the Democrats, though. I feel I would be doing myself a disservice otherwise. All that I am - single mother, Jewish heritage, pro-choice, low-income background, ghetto dweller, raising a black child, gay-friendly - goes against what most Republicans stand for. No matter what spin you want to put on it, it all boils down to the GOP being for white, middle-class, conservative, Christian, anti-choice Americans. And no, I won't say that it's the party for racists and homophobes, but you damn sure don't see any of 'em voting Dem or Green.

And as far as Nader is concerned, while in principle I support his causes and campaign, I just can't go there. I don't believe it would be throwing my vote away, not exactly, because like Cecily I believe there is no such thing as a wasted vote. Only a waste of oxygen and space on a person who don't get their ass up and vote...but I don't see Nader having a chance, as much as I'd like to believe he would. Yes, maybe it's just that attitude that will keep him from being a threat to the big two, but I can't help it. I feel that my only defense against Bush II running the country is my vote for Gore.

That's my story, and I'm stickin' to it.

Welcome to the Big O, Bill! It's good to "hear" from you, I missed Mermaniac. And congrats on the job...I'm in job search mode myself now...